Bittersweet

I fly to Kodiak to work for the weekend, tomorrow night. I am kind of looking forward to it. Does that make me a bad father/husband? I am helping to provide for my family, so they know it is a necessary lapse in my parenting contribution (at least Jana knows that it is necessary). The selfishness found in being a parent to three young children is hard for me to get past. Maybe things would have been easier if we had kids when we were 18, 20, 25, or 30 (not to date myself). We had a little time to ourselves before they came along and probably got a little spoiled. I try not to harbor resentment at the demands of my children, as I know that my life, in some ways, is no longer my own. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but an adjustment just like any other. When we get married, we compromise (right Dave and Angela? Congrats!). When we get a dog, we have a responsibility to feed, love, and find a housesitter when we travel. When someone close to us dies, we have to do without the known gap and more surprising subtleties that they filled in our lives. I have a hard time with people who have only joy from their children, they must have nannies. This is not to say that I don't love my children, but sometimes, thus far, I don't appreciate them very much. I feel like a bad person when the scores of people who have said something along the lines of "Twins, you are so blessed," and I had to bite my tongue to refrain from a reply regarding my lack of sleep, odor of milk vomit, or general lack of a personal life.

I know I am blessed and someday I will likely appreciate it, but don't rub it in. The babies are starting to smile and say cute baby things. There is hope for them yet. Jackson is being a brilliant, talking, playing machine. He is the superstar out of the bunch right now. Just don't tell Ella and Jonathan that I like him a little better. You should have seen him at the wedding. In his tuxedo, running with the other kids like there was no tomorrow, holding the hand of Alyssa was they carried the faux ring set up to the front of the church, and the silhouette of his elephant on his otherwise empty chair as he had to return to the nursery to prevent an energetic disruption of the wedding. Beautiful. Ella and Jonathan were beautiful too. Please enjoy the pictures and don't think about the 9 hour ride home.